"don't act like you know me"

so ever since i wrote the entry about the ting tings lyrics, not only has the song been stuck in my head but so has the message i got from it.

i mean it was great to grasp that concept on paper (or in blog post) but actually applying it? well i failed. . . or at least got a "D."

i was so good at walking around campus, song blasting through my ipod speakers into my ears, empowering me to look anyone in the eyes that called me a name that i'm not and say "don't act like you know me, that's not me name."

but the part i failed at, at even seeing, until recently when it was thrown in my face, was that i call myself the wrong name. i mean you pick the area of my life, i most likely have it wrong. so much for "finding myself abroad" right? wrong again. i think.

this all became clear D-day, or the day i got my grades back. this semester, as many of you know due to my complaining, was insane, but i was excited for the challenge of being back in upper level SPEA classes and starting the honors program. and as i planned out my senior year of college my course load was pretty intense but i knew i could handle it. . . . i mean i am an honors student.

well that ish all hit the fan when D-day came. yep. got my first D in college and got tossed right out of the honors program due to the drastic drop in my GPA. since i found out. i've been trying to figure out what that "D" stands for... some things have come to mind. the first being -Damn. then -Defeat. then "Damn teacher" as my mom said. "Don't worry" was another consoling response. but as much as i would love for it all to stand for something, i'm pretty sure this is just another application of "that's not my name." my name is neither "D- is for dumb" nor is it "honors student." the latter is the hard part. what if i'm calling myself something good? honorable? is God telling me that i can't define myself even by good things? i mean it's a good thing. honorable, pure, pretty, worthy.... these are good words, God. why wouldn't You let me call myself that?

okay so i'm not aloud to define myself by anything, good or bad. i get it now i think. and i think i'm ready to apply it all this time. easier typed out then done.
it's a pretty low place to be not knowing the definition of yourself. but as i told my friend today, "there is a lot of hope in growth."

and so i'm at this place where i'm still being gently stripped of things i call myself and here i have found the bigger picture. i'm finally on my knees ready to look up.

recently, a friend said to a group of people very casually as we were referring to God as someone in the room, that God maybe sitting there saying "you don't even know me." we think we have Him down. i can guess what He is doing, what lesson He is trying to teach me and He could very well be sitting there saying "don't act like you know me" "tricia, you have NO idea." i'm not calling myself a "nonbeliever" or even a "non-knower of God" i'm saying that instead of worrying about how God defines me, i need to be searching after WHO HE IS.

i've been reading Hosea like it's my job and this is one of the many things that has smacked me in the face... kicked me while i'm down. (down is a good thing in my book/blog):

"Come, let us return to the Lord; for it is he who has torn, and he will heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up. that we may live before him. Let us KNOW, let us press on to KNOW the Lord; his appearing is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us like showers, like the spring rains that water the earth."

i think it's supposed to rain tomorrow.