where the heart is

So I have been home in "the village" for a little over a week. I have been soaking up the sun, going for long walks around the neighborhood, catching up on movies and tv shows, and eating a lot of Mexican and avocado themed foods. I'm headed to camp in three days! SOOOO exciting.

But I think I'm starting to run there.

.... Basically. Ish hit the fan at home. Some of my friend's actions aren't really friendly... to say the least. . . I get it, though, we are moving on. Well, now I know I am. . . . and well. My church hasn't quite felt like one of the places I come home to, maybe my membership is expiring. And my family...well they will always be my family. But home is just not quite as familiar....homey.

This is all over the place, I know. But that is fitting. I am all over the place. Literally. Part of my heart is in Italy, part is at school, part is at camp, and well of course the majority is home at the moment. So I think it is safe to say, or maybe scary to say, that my home is all over the place. I'm pretty displaced.

Yes, Lord. I know this is the perfect time. for You to be my home, my comfort, my heart holder..... and as I look at all the ish that surrounds this place at the moment, (awful imagery), I realize here lies Your glory. Sick..... but really.

God has spoken to my reluctant ears in several ways today:

Today's reading in Oswald Chambers' "My utmost for His highest" is titled "The delight of despair." The passage concludes with this "if I am ever to be raised up it must be by the hand of God. God can do nothing for me until I recognize the limits of what is humanly possible, allowing Him to do the impossible."

A friend texted me today reminding me that God's strength is in our weakness. He also said this as he prayed for me via text "I pray that you give her strength.... I'm afraid her heart is hurt and she may fall away from you" (because of all the ish) "but I pray that she desperately seeks you with all her heart and I pray you will please her for that."

God, please answer his prayer. You are in the mist of the ish.... YOU are in my heart. You (home) are where the heart is.

"don't act like you know me"

so ever since i wrote the entry about the ting tings lyrics, not only has the song been stuck in my head but so has the message i got from it.

i mean it was great to grasp that concept on paper (or in blog post) but actually applying it? well i failed. . . or at least got a "D."

i was so good at walking around campus, song blasting through my ipod speakers into my ears, empowering me to look anyone in the eyes that called me a name that i'm not and say "don't act like you know me, that's not me name."

but the part i failed at, at even seeing, until recently when it was thrown in my face, was that i call myself the wrong name. i mean you pick the area of my life, i most likely have it wrong. so much for "finding myself abroad" right? wrong again. i think.

this all became clear D-day, or the day i got my grades back. this semester, as many of you know due to my complaining, was insane, but i was excited for the challenge of being back in upper level SPEA classes and starting the honors program. and as i planned out my senior year of college my course load was pretty intense but i knew i could handle it. . . . i mean i am an honors student.

well that ish all hit the fan when D-day came. yep. got my first D in college and got tossed right out of the honors program due to the drastic drop in my GPA. since i found out. i've been trying to figure out what that "D" stands for... some things have come to mind. the first being -Damn. then -Defeat. then "Damn teacher" as my mom said. "Don't worry" was another consoling response. but as much as i would love for it all to stand for something, i'm pretty sure this is just another application of "that's not my name." my name is neither "D- is for dumb" nor is it "honors student." the latter is the hard part. what if i'm calling myself something good? honorable? is God telling me that i can't define myself even by good things? i mean it's a good thing. honorable, pure, pretty, worthy.... these are good words, God. why wouldn't You let me call myself that?

okay so i'm not aloud to define myself by anything, good or bad. i get it now i think. and i think i'm ready to apply it all this time. easier typed out then done.
it's a pretty low place to be not knowing the definition of yourself. but as i told my friend today, "there is a lot of hope in growth."

and so i'm at this place where i'm still being gently stripped of things i call myself and here i have found the bigger picture. i'm finally on my knees ready to look up.

recently, a friend said to a group of people very casually as we were referring to God as someone in the room, that God maybe sitting there saying "you don't even know me." we think we have Him down. i can guess what He is doing, what lesson He is trying to teach me and He could very well be sitting there saying "don't act like you know me" "tricia, you have NO idea." i'm not calling myself a "nonbeliever" or even a "non-knower of God" i'm saying that instead of worrying about how God defines me, i need to be searching after WHO HE IS.

i've been reading Hosea like it's my job and this is one of the many things that has smacked me in the face... kicked me while i'm down. (down is a good thing in my book/blog):

"Come, let us return to the Lord; for it is he who has torn, and he will heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will raise us up. that we may live before him. Let us KNOW, let us press on to KNOW the Lord; his appearing is as sure as the dawn; he will come to us like showers, like the spring rains that water the earth."

i think it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

the difference between me and the ting tings

As you very well know (because the song has repeatedly told you for the past two weeks) that the ting tings refused to be called by the wrong name. Not that I actually enjoy being called "stacy" or "her" or even "triSHa." But the real difference between me and the ting tings is they make a big stink about the misperceptions, judgments, and flat out lies that others proclaim about them.

WOW we just got deep with the ting ting lyrics. Adam stop calling me emo!

Two summers ago, at The Oaks Camp the drama team preformed a skit that addresses this big-kid version of name calling: A girl stood on stage with a sign on her that said "slut." People walked by her calling her awful names. "whore" "hoe" "worthless" "trash." She looked down at her sign and decided that she must really be a "slut." Then this man walked in, wearing all white and tore her sign in half. He had a new sign for her. It said "daughter."

Within the last month I have had several heart breaking conversations, as well as encouraging conversations with women who struggle with self worth. (myself included- yes, conversations with myself). When we try to fit different roles and molds whether matching our standards or someone elses, we walk some fine lines of self definition and worth. Worth that guy's glance? Worth a picture comment on facebook? Worth anything more than a once over? A cat call? A good grade? A job? THAT'S NOT YOUR NAME!

I made a joke that my latest comeback will be "that's not my name."

Define it. And then work it like the Ting Tings.